A Little Less Conversation
by Lift the Wings
Summary: Erie's been braving Zombieland with nothing but her wits and her loyal dog Chuck for longer than she cares to remember. She may be a little unhinged, talking to him like a human and herself like Deadpool's her inner monologue, but can you blame her? Loneliness will drive you crazy. Among other things. Things that a vulgar, gun-toting redneck may just be able to help out with Tal/OC


Wow a new story? I should take care of my other ones yeah? But I just saw Double Tap and it reminded me of my love for Zombieland! I hope you enjoy!

Prologue

A loud curse escaped me as I sprinted from the horde of zombies behind me. Glancing down at the dog keeping pace beside me as he whined, I grunted, "Don't you dare take that tone with me! I'm not the one who insisted we check out the PetCo, am I?"

The ginger husky overtook me, deigning not to respond, and I glowered, "Seriously? Thank fuck you don't have a gun; shoot my legs and leave me to die…"

Tossing another irritated look over my shoulder, I fought the pain in my side; cardio was important as fuck in a world like this, but we'd been running for an awfully long time. My pupper would be fine, but I wouldn't make it that much longer. And then where would he get his kibble?

_Precious pupper, I can't have him starving on my watch_, I mused, panting, arms, legs, lungs burning, _well, maybe he'd just eat a humie. N__ot like he hasn't taken them out for me before-_

Shrieking as fingers brushed against my elbow, I quickened my pace and searched for an out. But we were in a field; the treeline was too far for me to make it. Maybe if I faced them, it would give my dog a chance. Everything I did was for that little fur-faced fucker - my death could be too.

And then a gunshot cracked like thunder through the air and I almost lost my footing. Thankfully, the stumble was slight and I chanced a glance to my left. Bouncing wildly through the thick, dying grass was a bright yellow Hummer, the horn blaring and the high beams blazing.

An honest-to-fuck '_yeehawwwww'_ rent the air and I stared in awe at the front passenger window, where a man in a cowboy hat leaned halfway out of the car. Armed with an impressive assault rifle, he laid into the fifteen undead behind me with obvious glee.

"What the actual- _fuck!_"

My hands took the brunt of the fall, automatically flailing out before me when my legs crumpled beneath me. Winded, I was able to latch onto my pistol, more out of instinct than anything, as I rolled onto my back and kicked my feet out at any oncoming bodies. Two were shoved away by my muddy boots, another flying backwards as two bullets lodged themselves in its skull. Smirking, I inhaled the scent of gunpowder and unleashed another volley on the zombies that had righted themselves from my kicks. They fell beside their comrade and another's throat was torn out by a vicious, snarling blur of white and red.

The others, well, the redneck had taken care of them.

Throwing myself back into the grass, I struggled to catch my breath, a palm to my forehead as my skull pounded.

Muffled screaming drew my attention and, wildeyed, I watched the Hummer come to a sharp, lurching halt not a foot from my face.

"I think I just shit myself," I uttered weakly, staring up at the yellow monstrosity and shoving myself up onto my elbows. A short whistle brought my trusty companion to my side, his hackles already raised as he awaited this next confrontation.

The driver's door opened and a figure jumped out.

"I literally just shit myself," I corrected with a faint laugh as a _fucking twelve year old_ waved excitedly down at me.

Disgust crinkled her nose, but a rough laugh drew her attention from me momentarily. I followed her gaze to the leather-jacketed, cowboy-booted son-of-a-bitch that came around the hood of the car. The rifle leaned against his shoulder, his scruffy face sported a deranged, delighted grin, his stance _screamed_ danger.

_Ooh, me _likey_ this fucker. He's wearin' these red flags like a _babe...

A grin tugged at my face despite my wariness, and I cocked a brow, "Nice shootin', Tex."

"It- it's, uh, Tallahassee, actually."

Following the timid voice, I found an equally timid-_looking_ kid perhaps ten years younger than myself following this _Tallahassee_. I had never before seen a guy who screamed deer in the headlights, but this one did. Every stutter, wide, uncertain eyes, hunched shoulders.

_Oh. Oh my stars. This poor, _poor _child! How in the _ass_ did he even survive this shit?_

My eyes raked over Tallahassee as he reached out a hand to me, his bright blue gaze meeting mine with a wink, "I dunno, Columbo, I think I could handle Tex."

_Mm, but could you handle-_

Before he could lay a finger on me, a large, furry body bolted between us, teeth bared and snapping. All bravado Tallahassee had after his impressive kills fell by the wayside as he beat a hasty retreat back against the hood.

Another girl, around this _Columbo's_ age, snickered at his behavior, though I noticed she gave my precious little boy a wide berth as well. With a mischievous grin, she snorted, "I think Florida just shit _his _pants."

Resting a hand on the dog's back, I grinned as he sat on his haunches, all aggression disappearing in an instant. Ruffling his ears, I pressed a kiss to the top of his head and muttered, "Goodest boi."

"That," Tallahassee pointed a finger, head tilting, "is a beautiful dog."

"Course he is," I replied cheerfully, holding up a hand to stop his non-existent approach, "please, please, don't worry, I got this."

One shoulder lifted in a shrug and he reiterated, "That is a _dangerous _dog."

"Only if he thinks I'm in danger," I replied chirpily, rising to my feet and dusting off my ass with already dirtied hand, "thanks for that. Thought that was the fucking end. Like, it's happened twenty _thousand _times before, but this felt like the Samwise-Gamgee-returning-to-Bag-End end."

"Oh my God, that was a _Lord of the Rings _reference," Columbo breathed, "you're officially my best friend."

"Hey!"

The exclamation came from all three of his companions, though Tallahassee cleared his throat and dropped his gaze as though he didn't make a peep. While the obviously nerdy boy (honestly, I had no room to talk, and yet here we were) tried to backtrack, the older girl rolled her eyes and tossed her hair, clearly irritated.

Ignoring him completely, she lifted her chin and queried, "Where you from?"

Eyes narrowed in confusion, I pursed my lips and replied, "PA. Erie to be exact. Why? Oh!" I glanced at the cowboy, who nodded to my questioning, "Tallahassee? And the rest of you?"

They supplied their names - Columbo was actually Columbus and, really, clearly not a Columbo type at all - and I gestured to my dog. "Though he goes by many titles, this boyo's name is Chuck. Chuck fucking Norris."

"No shit?" Tallahassee laughed, head thrown back as he clapped, "classic. I thought you was a nerd with that Lord of the Dance shit," deftly, he ignored both Columbus's and my own huffy "_Rings!_", "but you just got yourself back in my good graces, girly."

Tipping my non-existent hat, I folded my arms over my chest and grinned, "Assuming that's not an easy thing to do."

"I've never gotten into his good graces," Columbus tittered, playing anxiously with the damp strings of his hoodie.

"His good graces aren't even real," Wichita scoffed, though she offered Tallahassee a playful glare when he seethed in her direction, "it's the dog. When he's not looking for Twinkies, he's looking for dogs."

"Well you can't have mine, but I'll let you pet him," I replied, gesturing toward the now amicable husky, "Chuck, these are my buddies. Go say hi."

As though he understood English with the expertise of a lit professor, he stood and approached Little Rock, his tail slowly wagging. Gleefully, she dropped to her knees and hugged the dog, stroking his head despite Wichita's tense frown. The girl was nearly shoved out of the way as Tallahassee squatted before the dog and ruffling his fur roughly. The steely exterior dropped instantly and he adopted what I called a 'doggo voice' and cooed over Chuck.

Columbus stayed back as well, dropping next to Wichita and reaching an awkward hand out to brush her hair behind her ear. She offered him a smile despite her apprehension and leaned into his embrace.

Humming in surprise - cuz, seriously, how could this dude _not _be a virgin?, I returned my attention to Tallahassee as he stared up at me with a wicked grin, "Need a ride?"

_Oh. Oh yes I do, big guy._


End file.
